Thoughts of a Vicar
A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you
get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the
hereafter." "Why do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The
vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and
thinking what did I come in hear after."
Domestic Problems
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel
when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and
viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees
bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty
with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked
innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time.
But your mother ate us out of house and home."
The Confused Samaritan
A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there,
half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed
by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly
on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at
the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"
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A Tall Doggy story
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund
starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund
discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he
noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately
settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the
dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard.
I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the
leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror
comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the
leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from
a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great
speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the
monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when
they get close enough to hear, the dachshund
says..................
"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to
bring me another leopard."
Bedside Manners
 Susie's
husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every
single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he
motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair
close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear
him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have
been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you
stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you
were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot,
you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were
still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
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Brrrrrrrrrrr